What we wish we would have known

It's funny how we always have a tendency to look back. I would wager money that the words "I wish I had" or "If only I had" are probably some of the most used in the world. I've been raised with the notion does not dwell on the past, because one cannot change it. My mom always quoted the serenity prayer "God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Well, I have the serenity to accept that I cannot change the past, but I hope that we have the courage to change the present based on what happened in our past. Allow me to explain. 

So far, we have been talking mostly about sexual education in terms of the physical act of sex. However, what about the emotional aspects of sex? The relational aspects of sex? One could argue that these factors are just as important, and have equally detrimental consequences to youth if they are ignorant of their presence. Granted the consequences are different in nature (physical vs. psychological), but they are there nonetheless. Perhaps we need to consider a more holistic approach to sexual education, and redefine the comprehensive program to include these other factors, creating a multidimensional view of sex. The article What they wish they would have known: Support for comprehensive sexual education from Mexican American and White adolescents' dating and sexual desires by Adams and Williams (2011) supports this claim, stating that: "Findings [in our study] highlight the need for holistic programming that integrates socio-emotional components of intimate partnerships with sexual education" (p.1875). Let us examine what it is exactly that they found. 

The study was conducted in a focus-group style in order to examine what adolescents today wish they would have known about sexual and romantic relationships before becoming involved in them. Adams and Williams (2011) extracted four factors from the data: emotional, relational, physical, and interpersonal. They were particularly interested in examining the different responses among White teenagers and Mexican-American teenagers, and found significant differences. However, in the interest of staying on topic, we will be reviewing what was most commonly cited amongst all the teenagers. Here is what came out the most:

Emotional: I wish I would have known...

• about the emotional turmoil one faces in a romantic relationship
• that breaking up is painful
• not to get attached too soon

Relational: I wish I would have known...

• that you'll never know until you do it yourself
• more about the way the opposite sex acts and thinks 
• how to talk/communicate with the opposite sex
• how much commitment is required of you in a relationship

Physical: I wish I would have known...

• about "getting pregnant" (p.1881)
• more about sex (particularly before having it)
• more about one's body AND the body of the opposite sex 

Interpersonal: I wish I would have known...

• the effects that a romantic relationship has on your other relationships (i.e. can be detrimental) 

So, as we can see, teenagers have many more concerns that simply the physical aspect. They want to know about social, emotional and relational factors as well. However, it is important to ask ourselves: What are we responsible for? What is practical to teach? Where do we draw the line between what we teach and what teenagers should figure out for themselves? I believe that a big part of life is self-learning and discovery, and that it would be wrong to spoon feed our youth with a play by play of how their life is going to develop, and how they should act in specific situations. Making mistakes is a part of life, and dealing with them is an invaluable learning process that makes up a part of who you are. My mother always said that it is not the mistakes you make, but how you deal with them that make you a good person. (Turns out she's pretty wise... damn it). At the same time, it would be irresponsible of us to not give them information that could lead them to make grave mistakes that could ruin their lives, all because they were ignorant. The teens in the study said it themselves: you don't know until you do. But they should have a basic idea of what they are getting into, and the tools to do it properly before they do it. We give them the general guidelines to be safe and proactive, and they can figure out the intricacies. 

I am hugely in favour of including emotional and relational factors in sexual education programs. As a psychology major, (maybe I'm a bit biased) I know how valuable it is to understand how people think, what human tendency is, and how important proper communication skills are. I can see why these factors are overlooked, they may appear rather commonsensical to an adult. It is so important that we remember that these teenagers do not have the perspective we do, that the relationships they are in now (as unimportant as they may turn out to be later on) are extremely important to them in this moment, and what happens to them in this moment could have a serious impact on what happens later on. Adams and Williams (2011) state that: "Given the centrality of emotional experiences during adolescence, providing youth with healthy coping and negotiating strategies within sexual education curricula may be especially timely" (p.1876). If we can give teens the tools to cope effectively with the emotional aspects, as well as the information they need to practice safe sex, we are giving them the tools to be teenagers who are going to have agency in their lives, act responsibly, and be mentally healthy. This can only benefit our youth. 

We also have to remember that not all teenagers are having sex (I certainly wasn't, I was downright scared of it), and that they do not relate at all to the physical aspect of sexual education. However, it is likely safe to say that most teenagers enter some form of romantic relationship at some point in their high school years. This may be a more relatable concept for more teenagers, and would include more people in the classroom. There is absolutely zero academic research that backs this up, I am just speculating. But this may an interesting area for further research. 

So, all in all, it seems that it would be extremely beneficial to start looking at holistic programs, and giving our youth the tools to protect themselves physically AND emotionally in their relational and sexual endeavours. However, as I said before, we cannot talk about the past in the present. We need to change the present for the future. As one study participant bluntly stated: "Hello, I don't need to know about my period. I already had it. I don't need to know this." (as quoted in Adams and Williams, 2011, p.1881). We need to stop living in the past (or in denial), and get into the present, and talk about things that will change the way these kids approach the future. That's all she wrote folks. 

P.S. I may have conducted my own "study" based on this article.. check out part 2, coming very soon. 

References

Adams, H.L., Rankin Williams, L., (2011). What they wish they would have known: Support for comprehensive sexual education from Mexican American and White adolescents' dating and sexual desires, Children and Youth Services Review 33, p.1875-1885.