The LESS you ask, the MORE you'll know

I do not remember a specific time when my parents, namely my mother, started talking with me about sex related things. It was kind of always there in some form. My mom tells me that when I was seven, I boldly came to the conclusion that because my parents had four kids, they had obviously had sex four times. Apparently, my grandmother, who was in the car for this, has never laughed so hard in her life. Nonetheless, as embarrassing as this must have been for my parents, they had never led me astray in the information department. There was always an open atmosphere about sex related topics in my house, and I don't think I ever felt uncomfortable approaching my mom with questions about sex (to a degree, I mean she is still my mother). Actually, just the other day, an old friend of mine asked me if I remembered the time that we wanted to know if you could get pregnant from swallowing semen. Apparently I volunteered to ask my mom so we'd know for sure. So obviously, there was no level of discomfort for me. 


However, I know that this not true for everyone. For some, parents are the last people on earth they would ever go to to talk about sex. My question is the following: how important is the parental role in sex education? What do they contribute to the overall education of their children? Whose responsibility is it exactly to teach kids all about sex? The article I want to talk about today is Parents and sex education -- looking beyond 'the birds and the bees' by Joy Walker (2004), which will hopefully help us answer some of these questions. 


Walker (2004) discusses the changes throughout the 1990's and the beginning of the 21st century in the way that sex education is being conducted in the United Kingdom. She states that parents and educators should be working in a collaborative way to ensure an adequate sex education to the youth of today. She claims it is no longer about responsibility really, but more about working together as a communal unit to promote responsible, healthy sex values. She has reviewed the literature on parental involvement in the sexual education of their children and has concluded the following. When parents are actively involved: 

• children are more comfortable talking amongst themselves
• more likely to delay their first sexual encounter
• when do become sexually active, they are more likely to use effective contraception 
• overall, they have fewer sexual partners

So, clearly, there is a strong argument here. Parents should be involved. Not only should they be involved, but children WANT them to be involved. Walker (2004) found that: "young people expected their parents to pass on information about the 'facts of life'. Indeed, teenage parents in the study were resentful of their own mothers for not providing information compared to their peers' mothers" (p.245).  If there is adequate communication going on between the school and the parents, parents are in a position to reinforce lessons learned at school in the home, which only helps the children learn on a deeper level. Overall, Walker (2004) argues strongly for the involvement of parents in their children's sexual education, and suggests that there should be workshops available for parents who are unsure of how to broach the subject.

There is something that struck a nerve with me in the article, and I wanted to talk about it here. The following quotation provides a good lead in: "There is strong evidence that while the majority of parents are in favour of sex education some were not exercising this role and preferred schools to provide sex education" (Walker, 2004, p.240). Why does this bother me you may wonder? This is why: as a parent, you are responsible for the well-being and safety of your child. In my opinion, it is a form of neglect if you withhold information that could keep them safer, especially if the reason is discomfort or embarrassment. These are NOT adequate reasons to not talk about sex education. Being silent about sex because you feel embarrassed about it is immature, selfish, and inconsiderate. Suck it up, and do right by your kids. 

I appreciate the fact that it can be incredibly uncomfortable for people to talk about sex. However, Walker (2004) suggests that the most important factor is that the child feels that the home environment is an open, accepting environment where they know they can ask questions. My mom had this philosophy of raising kids, which was the inspiration for my title, which is "the less you ask, the more you'll know". We kids knew that our house was an open environment, and I know I always felt comfortable asking my mom questions. I think the key is not to bring it up often, or to attempt to give your children extended lessons on sex, but mostly to make sure that they know that they can ask questions, and not fear judgement of any sort. The point is not to stick your nose in your children's personal lives, but to let them know that being curious about sex is normal, and that they should actively seek information about it before putting it into practice, so to speak. Walker (2004) states that: "children benifit from open cultural attitudes to sexual matters, within family networks and the community, and this helps form the basis for effective health and educational strategies" (p.243), and I couldn't agree more. It now makes perfect sense to me why the sex education programs in the USA seem to be ineffective: there is certainly not an open atmosphere regarding sex in those parts. Abstinence-only programs certainly do not promote active questioning. 

What parents think, or are believed to think has a seemingly immense impact on what is taught. We have seen that education, particularly of the sex variety, is extremely politically and socially motivated. However, it may be time to ask the parents directly what they think. As Walker (2004) puts it: "For too long the myth that parents oppose sex education has been perpetuated in the UK" (p.251). Is it a myth? Is it the truth? What are parents thinking about this? It's all about parents in the next installment of our sex education talk, coming your way in matter of hours. Stay tuned. 


References


Walker, J. (2004). Parents and sex education -- looking beyond 'the birds and the bees', Sex Education 4(3), p.239-254.